Much has been said about the word ‘cracker’ since it’s become a prominent word in the Trayvon Martin case. Now racial issues are not my milieu. I’ve got problems with everyone regardless of race. Most of us are basically idiots that display momentary flashes of staggering mediocrity. Not because we’re made that way. Humanities idiocy is by choice, but that’s a rant for a different day.
Back to ‘cracker’.
Is it a racist term? Technically, I guess it is, but it is the most pathetic racist term on the market today. I’ve been called a ‘cracker’ before, and I’ve got to be honest, it put a smile on my face. It’s a silly racial slur. Even if the intent behind the word is malicious, it’s just not that insulting. It’s more or less a happy- sounding word. Your voice even goes up a register or two when you say it. You might as well be calling someone a turtle. Why? Because calling someone a turtle is just as hurtful as calling someone a ‘cracker’.
We have words in the English language that are horribly offensive slights to every race except for… well, ‘crackers’. We need to level the playing field. We need a slur that riles white America. It’s only fair. I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I think I’ve come up with the perfect word. This word is so insulting it is guaranteed to send any white guy into a fit of uncontrollable rage. They will foam at the mouth, spit up bile, and feel the agony of true disrespect.
Before I post the word here, I’d like to suggest that all white people stop reading. I don’t want to ruin your day. This word packs a punch. It’s beyond insulting. It’s a word that will utterly ruin you. STOP READING NOW.
Okay, now that the white people are gone, here’s the word. This word will cripple the soul of anyone who shops for SPF 30 or higher sunscreen. The word? ‘Bieber’. You want to tell a white person you have no respect for them and you think they’re worthless, call them a ‘bieber’ and see what happens.
It’s so horrible I will henceforth refer to it as the ‘B-word’. You know a word is bad when you just refer to it by its first initial, which brings up another reason why ‘cracker’ doesn’t work as a racial slur. We already have a horribly insulting ‘C-word’. You can’t have two ‘C-words’ meant to destroy people because it causes a universal paradox that jeopardizes the very fabric of the shitty way human beings treat each other. Yes, there’s another ‘B-word’, but that word has lost its bite because it can be used as a verb. Once a word becomes a verb it becomes too versatile to be an insult. And besides, the ‘C-word’ has supplanted that ‘B-word’ as the premier sexist term on the planet.
I’m C. Hoyt Caldwell, and I’m a cracker… oh, man that’s just silly.