I am what’s known as a liberal shithead in my American South. I detest mixing God and Jesus with my politics and government. I assume if you own an assault weapon you’re either a repressed douchebag who’s dealing with some really dark shit, or you’re compensating for a baby-sized pecker. If you’ve got a problem with gays getting married, you’re an un-American asshole. And finally, if you’re fighting for smaller taxes on the top 2% of Americans while bitching about providing healthcare for 100% of Americans, you’re priorities are fucked.
These are the things I believe, and these are the things that make me an alien in my American South. There are a small percentage of Southerners that think like me, but we’re all relegated to sharing eye-roll emoticons and secret acronyms in emails and text messages because the people we scorn are heavily armed and diluted enough to believe they’re doing God’s work by shutting us up.
My American South is rapidly regressing into a Bible-thumping dystopia that will result in more and more instances of open aggression towards those who think outside of the red state party line. We are caricatures of the fiery independent thinkers we were once thought to be. It’s time to kick the teabagger cranks out of our American South and be progressive, free-thinking Southerners.
We’re broken but we can fix this. Let’s all just put down the guns and Bibles, and be a kinder, smarter South.
I’m C. Hoyt Caldwell, and I’m a proud liberal-shithead-Southern-American.